History is a catalogue of surprising events, one after another.
The more expectations we have – the more detailed the plan we have for how things “should” go – the more easily upset we are when life deviates from that script.
Here’s the thing:
The way we want things to unfold is only one set of possibilities among many.
There are probably countless ways the situation at hand could go that would ultimately deliver us everything we need.
Maybe it won’t look the same when we get there. But crucially… we’ll feel the same.
And when it’s all said and done, we’re not questing for means. We’re questing for ends. Technically, any means that bring us to the end should be equivalent.
That’s now how our mind works, though.
Even though there plenty of paths that will take us to our destination, we usually grow attached to the one in particular…
One we’ve picked out. One that, for no particular reason, we’ve decided is the only way we want to get where we’re going.
To another person, it’s just another alternative. But to us, this path is the only path.
Why?
Because of the story we’ve built up in our heads.
Because of the attachment we’ve developed to an internally formed narrative – one that we might not even commit to consciously, but that has its hooks in us at a deeper level.
There’s nothing wrong with having preferences. If you don’t have a goal & some idea how you’ll get there, it’s much harder to stay focused and make appropriate choices around:
- What you spend your time on
- How you direct your energies
- Who you work with
- Where you go from here
Preferences are a filter. A tool like any other. Something we can wield to our advantage, or be burdened with.
How do we know when we’ve gone too far?
Simple:
When we find ourselves reacting badly to (objectively) minor deviations from the plan, we know we’ve leaned too heavily into our story.
When we’re not aware of this, it’s easy to lose sight of what we actually care about and hyperfocus on the irrelevant details instead.
So, before we decide that something is worth flying off the handle for…
Before we make it into something more than it is…
Before we draw our line and the sand that declare we’re unwilling to accept it…
It’s worth asking:
Is this fine?
And in most cases, the answer will be “yes”. Because it is.
The story we tell ourselves about why it’s not is just that – a story.
The value that story creates depends on what it creates for us.
The more it allows us to engage productively with our circumstances, the better.